So I posted on the 11th about my daughters behavior, since my Mr. had gone to ND to get a job...when I woke up on the 12th she was gone.
She had packed her backpack and left on her bike in the middle of the night.
I searched the house, thinking of course she just took a tablet or other electronic that she wasn't allowed to have and was sitting somewhere chatting on it like she had gotten in trouble for the other night.
But she wasn't anywhere. Not in the closets. Not under the beds. Not in the garage. She was gone.
She's only 13. She's autistic and mentally ill. She has no concept or understanding of anything outside of her personal bubble. She has no clue how wretched the world really is.
But all of that is my fault. I've kept her safe. I've kept her here at home. I've tried to protect her.
I called a close friend who lives just down the road to see if she was there. Maybe she just didn't want to be on punishment for the chatting incident the other night. Maybe she was just trying to rebel.
Liz hadn't seen her. She checked her house and yard and garage...Sophie wasn't there.
I drove to Liz's house because her husband is a police officer and I was completely flabbergasted...I couldn't even think of anyplace to drive to look for her.
We concluded that she left between 12 and 430 am, while the other kids were asleep or in the bathroom and I was asleep.
I got to my friend's house and we tried to talk about where she could've gone. I told her about what I found on the phone the other night when she got in trouble and her face just dropped...she said the thing that made my heart drop....
"Terri, she could've been picked up by someone....this is how I was picked up and trafficked when I was 14."
I didn't want to think she had actually gotten someone to pick her up. I didn't want to think she was actually at risk for that. But she was. All children are who get on these chat sites/apps and talk to all these people that could be predators.
I called 911, and posted on all the facebook pages and my personal page. So many people shared. So many people commented.
I have maybe 5 friends. I am a super private person who does not like drama. 1 friend was driving me around, another friend had her husband tell his fedex drivers to be on the look out for her, another friend texted me to see how I was, and my 4th friend, Tim, saw my post after working all night, and drove 100mph from his house 40 miles away, to come look for her. He was the best asset in this.
He found where she had slept when she left the house. Less than a mile from my house. He called me to tell me he thought he had found her, then realized it was only her backpack and sweatshirt and bike. It was an old abandoned building shell that they stopped building a few years ago.
Perfect hiding spot. Why hadn't I looked there. If I had gone there when I woke up I'd have found her.
He then goes about 100 yds to the store next to that building, and asks about her.
They said they saw her there around 6 am. and then she went in at 8 am and bought a candy bar.
But she wasn't there now...it was after 9 am.
Liz and I go to the building to see if she's there maybe..somewhere behind in the cornfield hiding.
We pull up and I go in the building, and I see all her stuff on the ground. I see a blanket that is usually on the floor in my house, lying on the dirt ground over a piece of cardboard...I'm gutted.
I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't anything.
Liz says, "Let's look behind here, come on, we'll find her."
I think I was crying at this point. I'm not really sure what I was doing through most of that morning. My brain had completely shut down. I was a shell just walking around on auto pilot.
The police tell me to go home, they will search the area..I can't go home....my daughter is not there.
Liz and I go to pick up fliers we had printed off. While we are there, Tim calls me and says she was on the camera at the gas station on the corner at 8:56 am...that's only a few hundred feet from the building also...but it was after 10 am now...that's more than an hour ago.
We get the fliers, and drive back to the area, we start dropping fliers at all the businesses.
Tim calls and says she was seen by workers at the Sonic, heading towards the gas stations and the movie theatre.
We realize, oh the movie theatre, of course, I bet she's in there. She needs wifi because she took one of the old phones, and she is going to be hot because it's already 90 degrees out, and she's wearing jeans...she's got to be in there.
But she wasn't.
We searched bathrooms, the arcade, the theatres that were open...she wasn't there and nobody had seen her.
So we start with the closest businesses, restaurants and salons and such.
Nobody has seen her.
As I'm leaving one place I see the restricted phone call come in that has been the police officer all morning...
I answer it, and he asks where I am..I'm at the pizza place by the theatre...
"They found her." He says.
"Where is she?" I say.
"The Starbucks".
I was across the street that moment from where she was...we had been driving around her all morning.
We drive to the Starbucks. I jump out of the car and run up but they tell me to wait.
WAIT.
What? You said my daughter was here...I need to take her home. Why can't I go get her?
An officer had already picked her up.
He drove up, and lets her out of the patrol car, and I see her.
I can barely breathe. I feel anger. I feel relief. I feel sadness. I feel scared. I don't know whatelse was going through me...but I was so happy I wasn't dreaming and she was really there and I could take her back home.
I walk up to her and ask the general questions of course, "why did you leave? where were you going? what was your plan?" etc. etc.
I'm in tears just wanting her to realize what she did was not a good choice.
But she didn't get it.
She saw her mom, acting crazy in front of her. She didn't understand why I was so upset. She didn't understand why it wasn't okay for her to be off by herself.
Her face was blank. No emotion. No remorse. Nothing.
One officer said to her, "You know, you had 22 officers out here searching for you this morning. We were about to call out the THP helicopter."
I looked at her as he said that, and her face was still blank...almost annoyed that we found her...but definitely not remorseful or aware of what had taken place that morning.
At that point, pure terror took me over.
What have I done. This child needs help. She needs professional help and I'm her mother and I haven't gotten it for her. What have I done by not doing something.
Then the second wave of terror takes over...my Mr. is unemployed right now. I don't have insurance to take her somewhere to get her help. I can't afford a huge bill. I can't afford gas to take her to a hospital.
I have no income right now. I don't even know how I'm going to pay the $400 electric bill this month.
None of that matters. Right now I need to focus on Sophie. Is she going to run again? Is she going to attempt suicide next time? What is she thinking? Why did she run? Does she even know why she ran?
I didn't sleep for about 3 days...I tried talking to her and I didn't get anything more than "I don't know" for answers.
We've come to a truce so to speak. She stays in my bed at night, and she is with me at all times during the day. If I leave she comes with me which terrifies me because I'm afraid she could run at a store and be that much further from home.
I never thought I'd be the mom of a runaway.
I never thought I'd have leftover missing child posters in my house.
I never thought I would doubt my mothering skills.
I now doubt everything and hate myself even more than ever before, and I'm pretty sure I could have some medals for self loathing.
But, I also know that this isn't my fault. She is mentally unstable and while it is my fault I didn't get her somewhere sooner, it's not my fault she's ill. I am going to do everything I can as soon as my Mr gets insurance I will take her to the children's ER in Nashville for acute care and let them send her to an inpatient facility, where she can get the help she needs.
I wanted to share this because while I know it opens me up to criticism and comments, I wanted any other mom or dad who happens across this blog post, to know they aren't alone. And to warn them, that if there is any sign of depression, or bipolar disorder or any mental distress, please find help.
I know that isn't always easy. I've been trying to get her help for years. I've had her to dr.s and therapists, and nobody would ever really get into what the issue was. But I never thought I would be this mom...the mom of a runaway.
I am doing the best I can, especially now, being a single mom with 7 kids, while my Mr. is off 1500 miles away looking for work that will get us set up financially. I don't have family that will help us, it has always been just us. I have been a mother 24/7 to all of my children since 2002. I have not worked outside of my home, my husband and I didn't get date nights until about 2015 ish...I have devoted myself to raising these kids to be good people. I have an etsy shop that has been terribly neglected, and I have started designing embroidery designs to sell, as well as offering embroidery to local people. But people suck sometimes and every local person that has placed an order, has ghosted and not paid for the items they wanted made. Yet, no body wants to make deposits or pay in advance because they don't want to lose out their money...yeah exactly..me either.
When I have thought about asking for help locally for things like the electric bill, all of the churches and organizations are out of money...or you don't qualify for their help if you aren't part of their congregation. We aren't religious, so we aren't part of any congregation.
I hope this helps someone or just reassures someone that has gone through it...you're not alone.
I'm going to keep going, keep trying and keep breathing...one day at a time..that's all we can do..please keep going! Tomorrow needs you too <3
