Rained out for my first event...is that a bad omen?

Well, yea, there I was rushing through last week to make sure I had everything I needed. At least what I thought I needed to be able to display everything in a manner that didn't scream "I've never done this before but please buy my crap!"

Then, it started raining. Then the temperature dropped into the 50's. Then the wind kicked up.

Then, I got the message that the event was cancelled due to the weather.

I was totally gutted.

However, the place that was holding the event, is open all Summer, every Saturday, 10-4. I can go set up my booth any Saturday for free.

That's actually really exciting. I can work stuff up through the week, see if it does well selling, and if not, at least I'm not out of the $50-$100 vendor fee that comes with some events.

I will be going for the first time May 4th. I know I promised pictures last week, but I just haven't had time to get some taken, my sewing/working space is a disaster, so I'm sharing that pic with you so you  will hopefully understand why it's the only pic I have to share haha

Yes that's crayon drawing on the wall. And yes, that's my bedroom hahaha

That's my space...it's nicer than the garage in the TN summer heat!

I will be back in a few days, we have lots of other life changing events happening and lots of fun things in hopeful planning stage, that I can't wait to share with you.

Don't forget to love everyone around you. Remember that you are loved. Remember that you are needed, and tomorrow is another day. Keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, as a friend of mine says <3  We are all in this together, you are not alone.

Till next time stay safe think happy <3

It's my birthday.

Yep. I'm another year older. I don't know why but I'm feeling like I am really on the downslide of life at this point. I mean I remember thinking "wow, when I'm 40..." and fill in the blank with some crazy thing.

I remember my 40th birthday, and it wasn't a huge deal, although I never do make a big production out of my birthday and never encourage my Mr. to do much either. I suppose it's partly because we don't generally have a pile of money to just spend because we want to. Especially since he started at LG. Money has been crazy for the last year. I believe we got to go to dinner, and that was about it. Last year, we did the dinner thing again, but we were getting to get out a lot more than usual anyhow because he was leaving for Korea May 1st.

My 40's have been mostly spent in a deep dark pit of depression. I have struggled daily, hourly, and most minutes. I had my 8th baby last year, on my Mr's birthday. It's the only duplicate birthday in our family. Everyone else is in a different month near a holiday. It's funny. This one was going to be a Memorial day baby, but I couldn't go in to have the baby until my Mr. got home from Korea, because we didn't have anyone to sit with the other kids. I generally will allow my oldest (15 at the time) to keep an eye on everyone when I need to do running in town, but the thought of leaving him with the others for 5 days(because I had to have a c section :( ) terrified me, more than the thought of having a stroke due to pre eclampsia symptoms. Now, I know that sounds crazy, but we seriously have NOBODY that can/will help us. We do everything on our own. I will absolutely help anyone that asks us, but when we would ask for anything it was always too inconvenient or whatever. That's really fine. I am not bitter about it anymore. We just stopped asking for anything years ago. We do whatever we need to do on our own. We work it out the best way we can, sometimes, unfortunately we can't do some stuff that would be pretty awesome if we could.

I remember feeling completely stupid, like absolutely clueless, when I would realize the truth about people in my life. But, that's another entry all together. Probably something I should take to a therapy session, but I can't go to therapy for myself, haha!

I hated it. I hate feeling like I was foolish. I hate people getting one over on me. I hate being duped. I get so angry with myself, that  I would seriously be so naive and oblivious to think that anyone could or would seriously want to be friends with me. I get so mad at myself not the other person. They can't be blamed for my weakness, right? With guys and relationships I'm the worst. I was always the "other" girl, if a guy did show interest. Then when I would make a mistake and mention anything that would imply we were actually an item, I was quickly made aware that it was never like that. It seemed impossible to find a guy that would be legit interested in being with me over anyone else, let alone everyone else. I've always been cheated on. Never the chosen one if there was a choice that had to be made. The idea that a guy seriously would be able to want to be with me or even love me, became an absurd thought to me. I am pretty certain no one will ever fall in love with me. Mostly because they'd have to fall so far into my darkness, they'd likely get lost along the way.

Now, I have been married for almost 20 years now. That is almost half my life. This marriage has had it's ups and downs just like any other, I believe the difference is my Mr. is one of the most responsibility driven people I've ever met. He will never leave me and the kids because he is responsible. He wouldn't want to take the kids away from me, and he doesn't want me to take them away from him either. He loves the kids and he is a great dad. He has always provided for us,always had a job. He had 1 job for 15 years before he decided he needed to move on, and only left when he knew he had another job lined up. He is really sensible and responsible in that manner.

Now, with that being said, that doesn't mean he doesn't wish he could leave. The fact that he stays does not mean he is staying because he is so deeply in love with me that he couldn't imagine his life without me. It's probably because he feels sorry for me. I think it's because we have been together for so many years, he is just accustomed to us. I'm like a habit to him. He stays because he's supposed to since we have all these kids together, and he has accepted that this is it. I know he won't leave and I guess that's more than some people have, right?

Ugh... Anyhow, I'm still trying to work hard to get product finished for the Easter Vendor Event this weekend. I am hopeful it goes well. I can't wait to share pics and stuff with you all next week.

Until then I hope all of you are happy and healthy and moving along everyday, moving forward every day. I hope you feel loved and remember to give love to those around you and in your life everyday. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, I'll be back with pics and hopefully a good story after this event :D

Procrastinate much?

uhhh yea..so I have committed to doing my first local vendor event.

It is Saturday the 20th, right before Easter. I thought it would be a great idea. I should've known better, because I am the most unaccomplished procrastinator in the universe. I'm pretty sure I have an award around here, or I would if I would've gotten around to going to the award ceremony on Galzim-842 back in January..but anyhow...

So, I have this event coming up, and I have no tables, no canopy (which I will need as it is an outside event of course!), and haven't made any stock.

I think I am trying to see just how awesome I can be at the last minute.

Or maybe I am terrified that nobody will buy anything and then everything I have invested in making and buying will be a waste.

Maybe I am just waiting for it to be cancelled...I don't know but I do know that today is the last day for me to get myself moving!

I have been struggling with depression hardcore the last few weeks and maybe that is what is keeping me stuck.

Today, I am doing it! I have closed all the tabs in my browser to all of the beautiful shops and designers that I love to get designs from so I stop going in there and just looking at all the beautiful designs and projects that I don't have but I still really want to make, and I am coming in here to jot down just a little bit about what's happening, then I am getting into my files and loading up the thumb drive and stitching up all the things that stitch!!

I hope all of you are moving along, pushing through everyday and having fun! Get out and get some fresh air if you can, My weather is finally getting dry, while I know some places are snowed in, so I hope you are cozy and happy wherever you are and whatever your weather is like <3  Please don't forget to check in with all your loved ones and give yourself some love too. I'll be spending the next 7 days being my embroidery machines thread slave. :) Love to you all!!

Be kind...for no reason other than to do it...please?

I recently took my son to McD's for breakfast, because he likes the breast platter, I'm a Hardees breakfast girl myself :)

Anyhow, we are there sitting and eating when we see this family come in. Mom Dad Son Daughter.

Obviously homeless. Dirty. Carrying their blankets. Just obviously tired.

The kids were in their teens, probably 15/16 ish. It was rainy out and grey and cold.

As I sat there with my son, I was overwhelmed with emotion, thinking about how difficult it must be for them. The Dad was in a wheelchair, the Mom was very worn looking with barely any teeth, the kids just looking so tired.

I noticed the Mom and Daughter going to the counter and she was holding a $20 bill.  Now I had just spent $17 on myself and my son, so I couldn't even imagine how she could feed all 4 of them with only $20.

I got up and walked over to them, and I quietly asked if she would let me buy her family breakfast. She very shyly smiled and said yes, her daughters eyes lit up. I told them to order whatever they wanted.

She orders small coffees, hot chocolate, and 4 sausage mcmuffins....that was it...I asked her if that was enough, and suggested the breakfast platter, her daughter spoke up quickly "that would be nice", so I told the cashier to add 4 platters, with everything, and asked again if she needed anything else, but she said no, they were on their way to a hotel.

I of course didn't have any cash on me because I NEVER do when I really wish I did, but I made sure they had a nice filling breakfast, and saved her $20 for something else they may need.

It broke my heart to see this family like this and to hear her only order the essentials, only order what she would have ordered with her own money, not to have her take advantage of the offer that I made. It was heart wrenching to hear her daughters excitement when offered a simple thing like a breakfast platter..

It really made me think about what I take for granted everyday. The food in my fridge, the house that holds that fridge, the luxury of having a bathroom/shower/washer/dryer for whenever I decide to use them. The paid off vehicle that I have to get my husband to work, and the other 2 vehicles in the driveway that aren't running right now, but we have the money to pay mechanics to come and fix for us.

Yet I am sad and I am depressed. How can I seriously say I'm depressed when I have so much, and so many others have so little and would love to have my life. How arrogant am I?

This is why I try, whenever I can, to be kind to people I see that are in need.

I try to be kind to everyone that I have to interact with, but I don't like interactions so I probably come off as stuck up or snobby...I'm just not making them interact with me out of kindness. :) It's really me doing them a favor..I'm terribly awkward in person.

I don't expect a medal for what I did. That's not why I am writing about it. I just never want to forget that family. I never want to forget that my life is actually pretty awesome. Even though we struggle, and money is crazy tight, and we may not have a big house and everything my kids want, we have what we need and we have a place to live. That is so much more than some, and it is so much to be aware of. My Mr. works so hard to provide the means for our large family to keep this weird little lifestyle we've become so uncomfortable in, and I'm glad he loves us enough to do that. haha

So please, keep breathing, keep going everyday...You are important, you are needed, and I love you!

Until Next time <3