It's my birthday.

Yep. I'm another year older. I don't know why but I'm feeling like I am really on the downslide of life at this point. I mean I remember thinking "wow, when I'm 40..." and fill in the blank with some crazy thing.

I remember my 40th birthday, and it wasn't a huge deal, although I never do make a big production out of my birthday and never encourage my Mr. to do much either. I suppose it's partly because we don't generally have a pile of money to just spend because we want to. Especially since he started at LG. Money has been crazy for the last year. I believe we got to go to dinner, and that was about it. Last year, we did the dinner thing again, but we were getting to get out a lot more than usual anyhow because he was leaving for Korea May 1st.

My 40's have been mostly spent in a deep dark pit of depression. I have struggled daily, hourly, and most minutes. I had my 8th baby last year, on my Mr's birthday. It's the only duplicate birthday in our family. Everyone else is in a different month near a holiday. It's funny. This one was going to be a Memorial day baby, but I couldn't go in to have the baby until my Mr. got home from Korea, because we didn't have anyone to sit with the other kids. I generally will allow my oldest (15 at the time) to keep an eye on everyone when I need to do running in town, but the thought of leaving him with the others for 5 days(because I had to have a c section :( ) terrified me, more than the thought of having a stroke due to pre eclampsia symptoms. Now, I know that sounds crazy, but we seriously have NOBODY that can/will help us. We do everything on our own. I will absolutely help anyone that asks us, but when we would ask for anything it was always too inconvenient or whatever. That's really fine. I am not bitter about it anymore. We just stopped asking for anything years ago. We do whatever we need to do on our own. We work it out the best way we can, sometimes, unfortunately we can't do some stuff that would be pretty awesome if we could.

I remember feeling completely stupid, like absolutely clueless, when I would realize the truth about people in my life. But, that's another entry all together. Probably something I should take to a therapy session, but I can't go to therapy for myself, haha!

I hated it. I hate feeling like I was foolish. I hate people getting one over on me. I hate being duped. I get so angry with myself, that  I would seriously be so naive and oblivious to think that anyone could or would seriously want to be friends with me. I get so mad at myself not the other person. They can't be blamed for my weakness, right? With guys and relationships I'm the worst. I was always the "other" girl, if a guy did show interest. Then when I would make a mistake and mention anything that would imply we were actually an item, I was quickly made aware that it was never like that. It seemed impossible to find a guy that would be legit interested in being with me over anyone else, let alone everyone else. I've always been cheated on. Never the chosen one if there was a choice that had to be made. The idea that a guy seriously would be able to want to be with me or even love me, became an absurd thought to me. I am pretty certain no one will ever fall in love with me. Mostly because they'd have to fall so far into my darkness, they'd likely get lost along the way.

Now, I have been married for almost 20 years now. That is almost half my life. This marriage has had it's ups and downs just like any other, I believe the difference is my Mr. is one of the most responsibility driven people I've ever met. He will never leave me and the kids because he is responsible. He wouldn't want to take the kids away from me, and he doesn't want me to take them away from him either. He loves the kids and he is a great dad. He has always provided for us,always had a job. He had 1 job for 15 years before he decided he needed to move on, and only left when he knew he had another job lined up. He is really sensible and responsible in that manner.

Now, with that being said, that doesn't mean he doesn't wish he could leave. The fact that he stays does not mean he is staying because he is so deeply in love with me that he couldn't imagine his life without me. It's probably because he feels sorry for me. I think it's because we have been together for so many years, he is just accustomed to us. I'm like a habit to him. He stays because he's supposed to since we have all these kids together, and he has accepted that this is it. I know he won't leave and I guess that's more than some people have, right?

Ugh... Anyhow, I'm still trying to work hard to get product finished for the Easter Vendor Event this weekend. I am hopeful it goes well. I can't wait to share pics and stuff with you all next week.

Until then I hope all of you are happy and healthy and moving along everyday, moving forward every day. I hope you feel loved and remember to give love to those around you and in your life everyday. I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend, I'll be back with pics and hopefully a good story after this event :D